It is often difficult to describe pain, and therefore often use a scale to estimate a level
...The most frequently used is from 1 to 10, where 1 is absolutely painless and 10 being unbearable, when you concider suicide. You can not see yourself continuing.
Before my back surgery I had pain that was bearable.
I had completed two educations and had wonderfull years at work.
Underwent surgery and had to suddenly learn to know the pain I could hardly find words to describe.
First, the acute and those who came soon after.
When you get an injury that I received during the surgery, you will automatically have problems.
Your body compensate, all-automatically - when the body gets an injury to the surrounding place "stiffen" and try to relieve the damage.
Such compensation is problematic enough in itself!Even for an otherwise "healthy" person who will bear a "local" damage anywhere on the body.
This also happened to me.
The area around the surgical place stiffened - the problem is so that it is the diseased tissue, sick because of EDS - a connective tissue disorder, Ehlers Danloss Syndrome / hypermobile type
And thus caused much more damage than the "normal" would do.
So all along the spine, discs, ligaments, joint capsules, muscles, tendons, even the tiniest attachments for example, in the temples are completely strapped up in a chronic cramp which is extremely painful!
BASIC PAIN - pain when breathing.
My "basic pain" is the one I have when I lie perfectly still, after having relaxed thoroughly and to do the minimal movement of a light breath - it makes me want to scream!
That is my starting point - everything else, even small movements you never think of you are doing, requires an enormous effort
So on a scale rating from 1 to 10 - where one in 10 consider that it is unsustainable and suicide is being considered because it is too unbearable - which I would say the point exceeded my short time after surgery.
In the first six months after the surgery I had to seriously examine my thoughts, feelings and attitudes regarding life and death!
I found out very quickly that I think life was worth living, and also fighting for - and I also found out that I'm not the type is contemplating many times, but through analyzing and making a decision - and then do what I can to carry out: It is to vacillate between decisions require: energy!
And I had very much to spend on developing a new form of self-control.
I recognized the fact that if I wanted a LIFE - that being with other people then have the pain hidden as well as possible - it's not much we have of talking to a person standing on two broken legs, is in the middle of a violently migraine attack,
have distinct phantom pain, toothache, or has severe pain in a similar level ... so I decided to live with the clear objective to find out how to have as much "life" as possible.
And also to get as much out of life as possible, which is NOT all about disease, pain and issues related thereto.
But I had to control and hide the pain as much as it was possible ... the more invisible they were - the more the wider the content of the the contact!
I developed different methods, and managed to have some sort of quality of life for many years - but the cost was hugh!
It takes endless amounts of psychic energy to survive and control so much! And the lack of understanding gave a deep sense of isolation.
As the bladder began to get worse and was often provoked by spinedamage, and the pain was a solid, liquid state of red-hot lava that buried me - the red mist before the eyes were a usual "vision"
At worst lie I suppose at 14-15 no energy for considerations - I stuck to the decision as I feel I am being bulldozed over by a power far greater than myself, a wave of pain that makes me have to refer myself to the decision taken at that time - and I have held to it!
There have been times when I felt too weak and felt a huge urge to just ONE second of peace!!There's just no real way back from a successful suicide, so I have not dwelt on the idea. I've never found peace in the idea of either alcohol, drugs or other forms of dependence on something ..There has been no relief for some of all the things known and believe me - I've looked everywhere !! The only thing that works have been my own ways of thinking ... the solutions I have tested medically or from the alternative treatment has not could mitigate or alleviate- only, at best, sluggish.
And so I did not have the mental resources to draw on, and it is the greatest asset I had. But have often felt a tremendous need for ONE moment of tranquility - has felt like a hunted animal, tumbling around.
Characterized by lack of sleep, rest and recovery - and mostly - all without encountering very little understanding!
So I refused to hit the point 10 on the scale and stand still there - also because of the hopelessness of the situation is scary! So self-discipline must be for all the world just kept - I have over the years developed certain ways of thinking and I spend an hour every morning on "mental pain work"
I AM beginning to feel painrelive now!
As the relief of the chronic cramp- what I really feel the most is that there is more space to think about other things!
Or that the usual things, movements can suddenly be easier to carry!It is shocking to realize how much energy I spent on controlling pain, breathing and posture(If you have pain, the body like "curved up" on the sore place - to compensate! And if you are so cramped that I have been for so many years, it is important to keep the body in fairly real "attitude" and relax regularly in large part e.g.)
I often feel I use about 95 percent of all mental resources to control, verify, and be present in a contact with other people ... it is enormously exhausting!So ... now I move down to 10!!
So, according to this scale, the "critical" point - but from this angle it is for me more a stepping stone than a critical point, since there is so much hope now, so much to work with there certainly seems that suicide is completely excluded .
It has not been an option I have kept open and there will not be opened for it now!
My relief and gratitude to the opportunities I have received is quite incredible - even the "small" changes.
The few people who over the years have analyzed my situation - not just superficially skim my list of diagnoses, but really got into how things work together agree that there is no exaggeration here - (both doctors and people close to me who see how I manage things, confirms this.
Part of the choice to "stay here" is also about lifestyle, I live healthy, I have to do physical exercise every day to maintain the small walking-function I still have. ..There are other benefits from that - I have not, for example the shadow of a lifestyle disease!
... And no, I say rarely ow, it requires too much energy and gives no relief! ;-)
- And no, I NEVER compare my situation with others - it can not be done. ;-)
- And I would not dream of blaming someone that they are not dealing with a broken leg without complaining - I have great compassion for people who are not accustomed to consider the kind recourser I have been forced to find! ;-)